update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
