I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
