I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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