1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Come on in and take your pants off
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