Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
