someone threw a dead crab at me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
