my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
