im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
