There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
