Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
