i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
