hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
