Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
