My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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