Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
