Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
