he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You ruined the universe
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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