I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
