Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
