i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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