my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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