it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
