You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
