Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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