thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
