that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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