Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
