then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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