youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
