Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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