He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
