Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
