That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
