I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
