my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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