my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
