Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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