Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you didnt know i had herpes?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
