Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
MIDGETS
????
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
