I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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