every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
