So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
