Having a random hookup so left but love u
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
