I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
