Don't make out with my wife yet
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
