I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
