She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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