When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
