I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
