I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
They have beer where we have blood.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
