I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
