I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
